I posted that on Twitter and was kind of taken aback at people begging me to elaborate.  Keep in mind I do NOT represent the wedding industry as a whole, or Miss Manners, and I’m weird and have my own ideas about this stuff.  That being said, here goes.

 The logistics of tipping

Who to tip

General rule of thumb, you tip who’s there on your wedding day.  There’s some thinking out there you don’t tip the business owner, and I agree/disagree with that.  Basically, is the business owner going to be there on your wedding day?  Big name caterers, venues, rental companies, obviously you wouldn’t tip the big boss there.  Small businesses don’t have a plethora of employees to send out, so it’s totally possible your photographer, planner, DJ, ice sculpture guy, are all business owners who are busting their butts for you.  If they’ve gone above and beyond, they deserve a tip just like the server who does this on weekends.

“But if they’re the business owner, they set their own pricing!”  This is true.  But honestly?  Many sole proprietor wedding vendors undercharge for themselves.  When you do the math and figure out how much you should be charging, it’s scary as hell, and you have to work up to it in degrees.  I paid some big shot business person to tell me to charge more, and I’m still not where they want me to be.  Not to mention, a tip is basically a monetary thank you.  Does someone not get that thank you just because their name is on the letterhead?

Some people say a referral is the best tip you can give a business owner, and much as word of mouth advertising is appreciated, I think it’s kind of lip service for vendors to say that.  Because, lets be honest, they aren’t going to turn down a gratuity if you offer it.  And if they did a good enough job to earn a tip in the first place, of course you’re going to be suggesting them to all your friends.

What to tip

This is definitely one of those do as I say, not as I do things.  I don’t think anyone should ever feel obligated to leave a tip just because someone showed up.  Let’s get all Dictionary.com on this.

Tip: A sum of money given to someone as a way of rewarding them for their services.

Reward: Make a gift of something to (someone) in recognition of their services, efforts, or achievements.

So, what are some of the things you should tip for?

• Attentiveness – Are your servers refreshing drinks?  Is the DJ reading the room and adjusting the playlist accordingly?  Is your planner making sure you eat/keep hydrated?
• Skill – Is your bartender nailing the obscure drink your uncle made up?  Is your food making you cry because your taste buds will never taste it’s equal again?  Do you want to bring out a lighter for your band?
• Following Directions – Did the delivery guys show up on time?  Is the DJ following your “Do NOT play under penalty of death” list?  Is your planner helping with people herding like you asked?
• General Demeanor – Are the vendors playing nice with each other?  Are guests complimenting you based on a specific vendor?  Is there a lot of smiling and happiness?
• Above and Beyond – Did your florist run out and make two new arrangements for the tables you totally spaced on?  Did your photographer hang upside down from a tree to get you an amazing shot?  Have you referred to any of your vendors as a “life saver”?

ASFGA is a horrible anagram, but alas, these are some of the things to think about to consider if someone gets a reward.

Where/When to tip

Generally you want to handle tips with discretion.  You look like an ass if you’re waving around a handful of money and making a big show of it.  Think of it like a covert spy thing.  A nice shake of the hand, smile, say “Thank you”, and that’s it.  Don’t try to be cute about it by saying “Buy yourself something nice”.  That’s icky.

Most of my clients give me an envelope to tip vendors with, some have several smaller envelopes with pre-measured tips, others just have a quantity of cash and since I’ve been the one working with the vendors all day, my clients trust my judgment.  I can sneak the money over and not make a big deal of it at the end of the night, or whenever the vendors are packing up.

How to tip

I know some etiquette guides say to give a gift in lieu of cash.  My thought is unless you’ve gotten to know your vendor on a personal level and can give them something thoughtful you know they’ll love, just go with money.  Cash goes with everything, and as a vendor nothing is worse than getting a gift card to a restaurant you hate (or can’t eat at because of allergies), or receiving something that isn’t to your personal taste, then feeling guilt for not knowing what to do with it.

Does this sound bitchy?  More than likely, but its a waste of the client’s money to buy a gift card that won’t get used, or a vase that will never get displayed.  If you’re emailing with your photographer and they mention how they love chocolate, getting them chocolate is totally appropriate.  If you become close to your wedding planner, and see a statue on your honeymoon that reminds you of them, it’s totally fine to send it to them with a thank you note.

A word about catering

Catering is the main vendor everyone worries about tipping, and they make it as confusing as humanly possible.  So, for helpful clarification, I present the following:

• Service Charge – Depending on the company, this is a line item for around 20% of the total of service.  (About what you’d pay for a tip.)  Caterers are quick to point out this is NOT a tip, but a cost of their doing business.  Things like office supplies, equipment, insurance certificates, etc.   My personal thought is, it’s stupid.  Those things are flat fees, not percentage based.  A business should have their food cost (plus profit), labor costs (plus profit), and general overhead should either be factored into those, or put in as a flat fee line item.  I’m not against vendors making a profit (dur), but I think it should be fair and up front.
• Included Gratuity – Some catering outfits charge a non-negotiable 18-20% gratuity and add it to your bill.  BUT it doesn’t always go to the servers, the bar staff etc.  It might just go to the chef, or the onsite manager.  I have issues with this too, because to start with, I HATE the idea of a forced gratuity.  If they suck (and I’ve worked with sucky caterers), they don’t deserve a tip.  So demanding one isn’t really a tip, it’s a line item snuck by to tack on more money after the initial estimate.  It’s a dick move.  I also have an issue with not paying the entire staff out of that gratuity.  Lets say your catering bill is $5,000 (We’re just working with round numbers here, I’m NOT saying that’s what your budget needs to be.  I’m just lazy.), 18% of that is $900.  You’re telling me you can’t split $900 between a chef, their assistant, the onsite manager and 6 servers?  That’s $100 for each of them, a pretty nice pat on the ass for all the hard work.  But no, only the chef, assistant and manager get that tip, the servers have to be separate, more money out of your pocket.  That’s screwed up and I don’t like it.

So what’s the conclusion?  Ask potential caterers how they handle tipping, before you even hire them.  Ask if you can get the service charge as a flat fee item.  If they do forced gratuity, ask if there is a performance guarantee to go with it.  (If they’re guaranteed a tip, you should be guaranteed a good experience)  See who your tip will go to.  My opinion is the people who serve you are the people who should be tipped.  That means the people who are there on your wedding day.  If someone has been obscenely helpful to you, even if they aren’t there on the day of, feel free to tip them.

A short list of vendors and tipping

Because this is already obscenely long.

• DJ/Entertainment – Keep in ASFGA in mind here.  But bottom line, are they keeping you and your guests entertained and happy?
• Photographer/Videographer – Poor photographers get judged on their final product, which usually comes way after the wedding buzz is over.  But do you think the photos are worth more than you paid?  Did your photographer capture not only your favorite moments, but ones you missed?  Then tip them.
• Bartender – Stay away from a tip jar.  If people want to tip them, they will.  Consider how your bartender’s service is, are they keeping everyone happy, how are they handling people who might be over served?
• Delivery/Set up Peoples – Did they show up on time?  Did they have everything they needed?  Were they professional? (I love me some blue collar working men,  but draw the line at plumber’s crack and smoking in the damn venue.  Seriously…)
• Florist – Usually you don’t tip your florist.  But if they really went above and beyond for you, if they really stand out for something, then go ahead and tip them.
• Hair/Makeup Stylists – Stylists especially, I refer to the “Do they deserve more than you paid?” thing because I’ve seen stylists charge $150 to come to the site, do a fantastic job, and hang out all day to do touch ups.  I’ve also seen stylists charge $400 to make you come in, have you wait, do a sloppy job, and send you out the door.  All I’m saying is tip accordingly.
• Seamstress – Most people don’t tip a seamstress/tailor, but if they did a phenomenal job, gave you a great deal, did a rush repair/alteration, then it would be nice if you tipped them.
• Officiant – I’ve found religious officiants usually get offended when you offer to tip them (secular ones, not so much).  In those cases saying “We can’t thank you enough for helping with our ceremony, we would love to give you a gift to show our appreciation, would that be alright?”  You’re opening the door, and it gives them an opportunity to accept, to decline gracefully, or to direct you.  “Seeing you start married life together was enough f0r me, but I’m sure the church’s soup kitchen would appreciate a donation.”
• Transportation -  If it’s just you and your new spouse getting picked up and driven half a mile down the road, unless the driver is amazing, I probably wouldn’t tip them.  On the other hand, if you have shuttle drivers that are making multiple trips throughout the day, who are waiting outside for hours, dealing with drunk people who think it’s a party bus, then more than likely they deserve a tip.

In case of Too Long; Didn’t Read, everyone is eligible for a tip, its just a question of if you think they deserve one.

Yup, coke bottle glasses. I was an early adopter of the duck face.

Yeah, that's the hotness right there.

I wore a business suit for my class pictures, and was the token geek the cool kids kept around for crib sheets, test answers, and to buy them things at the snack bar.  I got braces when I was 18 and wore them until I was 22, headgear included.  I’ve always been obsessed with computers, I code, love anime, comics, nerd books, and any other geek descriptions.  My husband’s best friend introduces us to people as “The Geek who married the Jock.”  I have no issues with this and am proud of my geekdom.  With one secret shame.  I’m not a gamer.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE gaming, I love everything about it.  The stories, the weapons, the art, the concepts, I read up on all the releases, I pre-order to get goodies, I compare DLC options, I rage over awful endings, I have a preference for console over PC, not that it matters, since I just don’t seem to have the dexterity to be any good.  I try, I really do, but my short foray into WOW left me in tears, I too have gotten lost in the bathroom in Bioshock.

I wasn’t always like this.  I remember playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Super Mario Brothers with my uncle on our old NES.  We even had Bible video games.  (Don’t judge, I made do with what I had).  I played Street Fighter and kicked ass.  Then my beloved mistress technology dealt me a cruel blow.  The N64 signaled my demise, when during a bout of Super Smash Brothers I realize I can only beat people with the dreaded tactic of button mashing, an EXTREME faux pas.

That brings us to today, where I can’t even skip rocks on the Wii properly.  Give me a controller with a D pad, two analog sticks and action buttons (Then your L1, R1 etc) and I freeze up into a panic attack, and usually end up falling off a cliff or getting stabbed in the butt by a first level enemy.  Not because they’re sneaky, but because I can’t figure out how to turn around.  So I live vicariously through my brother in law Jon, who patiently puts up with my demands, since I keep him stocked with the latest in games.

Sometimes he regrets it, like when I was so enthralled with Assassin’s Creed, I made him play every night when I got home from work, then threw a raging hissy fit when he had the gall to finish it without me.  So I made him play it again.  Or when I broke into tears in Red Dead Redemption’s Undead Nightmare DLC, as he killed the last Sasquatch. “He asked me to!” “YOU JUST SLAUGHTERED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY!  HE’S NOT THINKING CLEARLY! YOU ARE A FUCKING BASTARD!”

It’s not totally one sided, in addition to new games, I help him with his achievement/trophy whoring, and I’m pretty good at puzzles.  Unfortunately that’ll never make up for actual gaming skill, and I mourn the loss camaraderie that comes with the gaming community, since I’ll always feel like a poser.

Gamers, you are amazing, and you have my steadfast admiration.  I only hope when I grow up I can be as cool as you.

I’m starting out with Moxie and Oliver.  I first discovered them when I worked for a dog boutique, and I was sourcing awesome hand made collars for giant breed dogs.  My Great Dane still wears his collar from there, and over the years it has gotten butter soft.  I found Caitlin’s work on Etsy and about peed myself.  Her specialty is branded and painted leather work, everything she touches is AMAZINGNESS.  She’s expanded both her pattern choices and the items she offers since I last visited.  So I got lost there today and figured I should share some of my favorites with you.  I also want to point out that leather can be the 3rd and 9th anniversary gift.  So good you get it twice! *

I had a bit of an issue trying to figure out how I wanted to break this all down, focusing on items or patterns.  The patterns range from weathered vintage, to loud pops of color, day of the dead, owls, dragons, tattoos, koi, floral, contemporary, not to mention custom work, so having to pick out a favorite just isn’t going to happen.  (With the exception of one)  So click to visit the patterns, and make sure to block a good hour of your time out.

Guitar Straps

My husband is a musician, and he’s getting one of these for his birthday as a red herring. (He’s also getting a guitar, but that’s a surprise and another story entirely.) Don’t worry about him not being surprised, he never reads my blog.  ANYWAYS, the selection of guitar straps is ridiculous, from delicate and feminine, to strongly textured.  Fantastic option for the guitar/banjo player in your life.

Flasks

Forget the awesomeness that is flasks in general, Moxie and Oliver offer KEYCHAIN FLASKS!  You can be all “Oh it’s just a ridiculously cool keychain” and then BAM, it serves booze.  All the flasks are made with stainless steel wrapped in leather, and not only available in keychain sizes, but also come in 4, 6, and 8 ounce options.  Killer attendant gifts, “Yay for legal drinking birthday”presents and subtle “Get your drink on” gifts.

iPad Case

Speaking as a technophile, I know there are a ton of cases out there.  But I have yet to come across anything like the Electronics Cases Moxie and Oliver offers.  They are gorgeous, vibrant and come in different style options (Full portfolio VS booklet), in addition to having silicone inlay for added gadget protection.  You can choose from iPads, iPhones, Kindles, Nooks, and laptop sleeves.

Watches

I don’t care how many digital clocks you have around you, there’s just something about a watch, (why else do we always look at our wrist, even if we aren’t wearing a watch?) and fortunately there are a ton of options here.  From wrap arounds to cuffs, skinny to fat, you can definitely find a great statement piece you’ll like.  All the watches are custom sized to your wrist, and some patterns have dimensional add ons.

Trays

You’re not going to get these at Homegoods.  Fantastic housewarming or wedding gift, the trays are a perfect for injecting personality, even in an apartment or dorm housing.  These aren’t meant to hide under cheese and crackers, but to greet you as soon as you come through the door, to hold your keys, phone, mail, or loose change.  It’s leather, so you don’t have to worry about breaking it, and baby head/eyeball/finger friendly.

 Journals

I kind of love notebooks and journals, when I was a kid, I spent all my money on stationery to fill with hopes, dreams, and do my taxes (I was a weird responsible child).  Life would’ve been a lot easier if I had one of these REFILLABLE blank notebooks/journals.  An idea I love is , include them in your relationship, or marriage, choose a journal, and write letters to each other every week, to exchange on your anniversary.

I want to talk a little bit about one of my favorite patterns Moxie and Oliver offers.  It’s the Smokey, and while it comes in multiple variations, basically what it boils down to is you get your words branded into the leather.  Now the traditional options are poems, love letters, or song lyrics (I almost put “No Children” on Matt’s guitar strap then it lost the coin toss), but I think there are so many more options.  What I think would be brilliant is, if you have your vows done in this pattern, then do a gift exchange at the altar.  “I seal my vows with this flask, for you to remember me by when I drive you to drink.”  “As a testament to my vows, I give you this satchel, to remind you I’m here to help carry your burdens”.

There are SO many options here, and Caitlin told me that she’s going to be working on more wedding related items (She’s already done this custom belt to go over a wedding dress).  And did I mention that you can set up a gift registry?  So peruse at your leisure, and rest assured that you’re supporting a small business that provides quality, handmade, gorgeous artistic work.

*I know some people find leather unethical.  That is a totally and completely valid opinion.  That being said, I love leather, I love the smell, I love the texture, I love how the more you beat the crap out of it, the softer it gets, and especially love how if you take care of it, leather pieces can become heirlooms.  As someone who eats meat on a regular basis, I think it’s important to use all parts of the animal, skin included.

I make it a habit of going through my site analytics (obsessing about them really) to see what brings people here.  Well, one person got here by searching for “planning a wedding remotely”.  Since some of my keywords are “remote” and “wedding” well they came to my site.  And I had nothing for them.  I feel horrible.  So anonymous person who visited Tuesday from Plano Texas, I’m sorry, and this is for you.

Planning a wedding is hard enough, planning it long distance sucks.  Fortunately the internet has made it SOOOOO much easier (For serious though, what the hell did we do before the internet?  How did we live?  Were there caves?), but it’s still no picnic.  Here are some tips that will hopefully make your long distance wedding planning work.

Embrace a Local

No this isn’t just a promo for wedding planners, it can be a friend, a family member, anyone who can get in the car and visit any of your vendors/venues in a matter of an hour or two.  If you don’t have any of these people, I would highly suggest a wedding planner.  Some things can only be handled in person and you need a representative to be there in person to be a surrogate you.

It also keeps vendors accountable.  It is VERY easy to blow someone off over email or the phone when they know that you can’t do anything about it.  The knowledge that there is indeed someone who will bang down their door and throw a raging fit tends to keep them on their toes.

Some things to keep in mind when looking for a local:

• Neutral on all things wedding – You don’t want someone who’s going to make changes without notifying you, or make decisions on their own.
• Detail oriented – Who will either take notes, and/or pictures, or who has a spectacular memory (Although I would rather have notes).
• Excellent communicator – Relaying information, not leaving anything out, and not adding anything in, also making sure you get this info in a timely fashion.
• Born mediator – Someone who is good at smoothing out ruffled feelings, and will have no problem standing up to bullies.

Visits

It is extremely nerve wracking to buy anything site unseen, or food untasted, or flowers un….smelled?  So I urge most couples, when planning  a wedding remotely, do as many site visits as you possibly can.  I understand it can be difficult, and sometimes you can’t even visit once, and I get that.  However, for stress relief purposes, you (and your vendors) will feel better if you visit at least twice.

Here are some tips for visiting your future wedding neighborhood:

• Try to duplicate your event- If you know that you want to get married in the fall, try and time your visit for the fall.  This is incredibly vital because the time of year can affect every aspect of your wedding, and you want to know what to expect.
• Venues – There are multiple reasons to visit a venue around when you’re planning to get married.  If you want a venue for the foliage, its important to see what foliage is available that time of year. You want to see what the traffic is like (tourist season can totally mess with a wedding), check the weather so your guests will know how to dress.  Even checking to see if it smells (many barn venues are totally fine in the winter, but reek in the summer).  You also want to check to see if you need things required in your contract.  For example, you go to a venue to scope out the site for your winter wedding, and the steps are covered in ice (You wouldn’t notice that in the summer) make sure your contract includes ice removal so Grandma doesn’t fall and break her hip.
• Food – Especially a factor with providers that utilize local foods.  Their menus change constantly, and the food you fall in love with in November won’t be available for your wedding in June.  Even if foods are available, the quality and cost can be vastly different depending on the time of year.
• Accommodations – The tourist season can effect everything from hotel availability to pricing.  Make sure to stop at lots of local shops, see if there are any other events going on, or that you just barely missed that typically book up the whole town.
• Call ahead – You can’t just jet away for the weekend and show up at your intended vendors.  Venues are often booked, even in the off season and even more of them won’t have anyone there to show you around or ask questions without an appointment.  Even if your caterer is based out of a restaurant, that doesn’t mean they have the same menu options.  They usually want to have a meeting with you before your actual tasting, to get an idea of what you want.  At the very least you need to call and talk to someone to see if you can arrange for a tasting, and tell them what you’re looking for.
• Wedding Tri-athalon – While it can be tempting to go sight seeing, or visit friends and family while you’re in the area, this is, for all intents and purposes, a business trip.  Granted it has the possibility of being a ridiculously fun business trip, your goal is to hire someone.  Actually, a bunch of someones.  Depending on how large of an area you’re talking about, you want about an hour extra between the end of the previous visit and the start of the next.  Not only to give you time to get lost/stuck in traffic, but it gives you and your partner time to digest the meeting you just had while it’s fresh in your mind, and you get some private time to discuss knee jerk reactions.  “The food was great, but I’m a little concerned with how the cook was missing some of her fingernails…”
• Multiple visits – If at all possible, try to visit the area at least twice.  While you’re incredibly busy (You know, with planning a wedding), it’s incredibly helpful to check in.  Like I said earlier, some caterers won’t even offer you a tasting until after they’ve met you in person.

You’ll have to wedding to the nth power

• Fill out this form in triplicate – When you’re planning a long distance wedding, make sure you have multiple back up copies of everything, and ways to access it.  Best way to do that is have physical copies, and digital copies (either through Google docs, or sending all your documents to a wedding specific email account)  This means if you have your wedding binder, but forget it on the plane, you’re still good because you can pull it up on your phone, or a nearby computer.  Even after you’ve booked your vendors, keep your contracts in digital form too.
• Don’t trust your memory – Write everything down, even if you think it’s stupid.  You’ll be surprised what comparing things after the fact will bring up.  (Good to do this step during your post meeting detox)  You can be kind of crazy pants running around to see vendor after vendor and they might blur together, so its important to have a series of notes to fall back on.
• Constant Contact – While it’s not a good thing (obviously) some vendors get sort of lazy when they know that there’s no one to check up on them (Like I said earlier.  I’m psychic like that).  So it’s always good to follow up with them a little more often than you normally would if your wedding was local.  Just a quick email to say “Hey, just wanted to check in and see how everything is going.  Let me know if you need anything from us!”  That last part makes your vendors feel good, because it makes you look helpful, not obnoxious and micro-managey.  If they don’t get back to you within a week, follow up with a phone call.  These quick check ins are great for following up on contractual stuffs.  For instance, if your venue is handling rentals, give them an up to date guest count, and see how that’s going to affect rental price.  Not going to lie, you need to walk the line between being a good informed client and a pain in the ass.  Never forget though, you are their boss, you are paying them, and you’re trying to make their job easier by giving them the information that they need.  So DON’T let them be rude to you.  Ever.

Airplane pic used by creative commons, provided by AmyDianna

Many brides live in fear of becoming a Bridezilla.  They do everything in their power to be as rational and compliant as possible.  They don’t want to make waves because they don’t want to be dismissed as a crazy harpy face.  Anytime they’re adamant about something, their loved ones roll their eyes, smile and whisper “Bridezilla’s coming out to play!”  Bride feels like shit, hides in the corner, cries and berates herself for not being able to handle this.

True Bridezillas (ala “I WANT MY CHOCOLATE CAKE”) are very rare (Why the “elusive” part), and limited to people who exhibit these personality behaviors in every day life.  As in, they’re a bitch, they’ve always been a bitch, and people just deal with it.  Suddenly, because they’re planning a wedding, bitch becomes the new flashy title of Bridezilla.  But it doesn’t change the fact they are just acting out their every day attitude problems.

Here are my thoughts (hence the informative title).  When you plan a wedding, you’re basically taking on another full time job, that not only do you not get paid for, but you pay for the pleasure of having.  This is why there are people who quit their jobs to plan their weddings.  It’s a lot to do.  So look at it this way.  Say you created a non profit, for something you’re passionate about, and you’re going to have a big gala event to kick it all off.  You work 40-60 hours a week on it, while you’re working your full time job.  It’s a learning experience because you have to delve into skills you don’t really have, and practice interviewing and hiring vendors that you have no experience with.

The whole time you have other people telling you how they think the event should be done, emphasizing how they did their event for their totally unrelated non profit. They are questioning every single one of your decisions, telling you who should be on the guest list, what outfit befits your position as the founder, and chastising you for deciding on things that they would never do.   The constant haranguing that you owe it to the community for them to have this input, and if you don’t act on it, it’s the same as dismissing them entirely.

All the while you’re being reminded of how lucky and special you are to have this opportunity, and if you screw it up, it’ll haunt you FOREVEEEEEERRRRR.  All of these things only multiply the closer you get to the event.  You consider canceling it entirely, because as much as you love your cause, it can’t be worth this hell.  Nothing can.  Soon to follow is the guilt of how many people you’d be letting down.  So you berate yourself for having those thoughts at all, how selfish you are for putting your wants and needs above the people who are depending on this event. What a horrible person you are.

Your nerves would be frayed, and it’s pretty likely you’re going to snap at someone.  Actually, it’s more likely that you’ll either throw something through a wall, or sit in the fetal position in the corner and cry.  And people will understand.  Of course they’ll understand, look at everything you’ve been going through.  Any rational human being can see how stressful the situation is.  They’ll take you out for coffee, maybe a pedicure, they’ll let you talk about your frustrations and they’ll console you and help you cope.

So why are weddings so different?  Why, when planning a wedding, are humans suddenly held to this higher standard, where anything less than sainthood labels you a Bridezilla?  Just because the event is centered around love, it doesn’t mean it’s any less an event, any less a job, any less a stress.

The word Bridezilla has become a dismissive, disrespectful way to belittle what someone who is planning a wedding is going through. (Although Momzillas exist…  But that’s a post for another day)  So for the people planning, you are NOT crazy, you are not some irrational rampaging beast.  You’re in the middle of dealing with trying to put something together that’s poignant, envelops you and your partner, includes your community of family and friends, and it is completely normal to have a breakdown, to lose your temper, or to start crying.

For those who are the loved ones of someone who’s planning a wedding, don’t use the B word.  It’s hurtful, you’re in essence telling someone you care about that their concerns are ridiculous and silly just because it’s a wedding.  That regardless of what is going on, regardless of how they feel, what they’re going through means nothing, because it’s a wedding, and they’re just being a bride.  Weddings aren’t some blissful magic kitten and unicorn fart rhapsody, it’s an oft times manipulative multi-billion dollar business.  (And in the interest of full disclosure, it’s why people hire wedding planners)  It can be rough, and they need your support, not name calling.

So here is the story of the Ring.

The History

"Snookums, please put the paddle away, at least until the gnome receiving line is over."

The earliest record of rings in relationship to marriage belongs to the ancient Egyptians (as far as we can tell, no one else did the paperwork), with loops made of reeds.  The symbolism was an important part of the gift, not only the traditional “This ring has no beginning and no end”, but the negative space inside the ring represented a gateway, leading to the unknown, expressing never ending love, dedication and commitment, regardless of what the future held.  Once this temporary ring was given it didn’t last very long, so a new ring would be made of something that usually came back to the giver.  Leather, bone, pottery for the working class, ivory or gold for the wealthy or ruling class.

World's tiniest, tetnus filled shackle.

The Romans were doing “betrothal rings” known as “Anulus Pronubus”.  These aren’t engagement rings, but an iron band that was slipped on during the wedding ceremony.  Something evolved from the pagan practice of a man tying cords around the waist, wrists and ankles of a woman he was in love with to bring her spirit under his control.  Since iron was unbreakable, a sign of strength and the permanence of the bond, the ring was to be a permanent reminder that the husband was in control of the wife’s spirit, and that her wishes were second to his own.  Icky.  Once a woman proved she could be trusted with her husband’s valuables, she got upgraded to a silver or gold ring as an outward display of his trust and her loyalty.

I really like the mental image of punching someone in the face and leaving a love note on their forehead.

The Christians took them around the 9th century, because Pope Nicholas I told them to.  He decreed that the engagement ring was a required statement of nuptial intent.  He insisted that it was a valued metal, preferably gold, because it had to be a financial sacrifice.  For those that couldn’t afford gold, they instead carved them with intricately carved scenes.  Then the Christian church thought this was completely inappropriate and vain (See, they had “tackiness” way back in the 13th century), and brought rings back to a more humble unadorned plain ring.

In the Anglo Saxton time period, the bridegroom would have to break something valuable to him, and hand half over to the bride’s father, to prove his intent.  Kind of like a down payment.  The wealthy would usually split a valuable coin, sometimes that would would be melted down to be used as a ring.

Now here is where we start to get to the modern engagement ring (DIAMONDDDDSSS!!!  GIANT FRIGGIN DIAMONDS!!!)

This is a reproduction, because I can't find pics of the original anywhere. I'm particularly fond of the little jester collar for the diamond.

In 1475 Constanzo Sforza gave his bride to be, Camilla d’Aragona, a diamond ring on their wedding day.  He also included a very sweet poem full of thoughtfulness as to WHY he chose the diamond.  “Two torches in one ring of burning fire.  Two wills, two hearts, two passions, all bonded in marriage by a diamond.”  Not to be outdone, two years later, Archduke Maximillan gave a diamond ring to his fiance, Mary of Burgundy.  So started a trend in the aristocracy of extravagant rings, coated in jewels and enamel.

A genuine Victorian Era knock off. Queen Victoria was a trend setter and one of the first "celebrities" to inspire rampant copies of what she wore.

At this point in time diamonds were incredibly rare, so only the rich could afford them.  Since they were so rare, they were a sacrifice for people who could easily afford gold or other stones.  Interestingly enough, Queen Victoria got a diamond solitaire for a wedding ring, and a snake ring with emeralds for an engagement gift.  Not that that means anything, i just thought it was interesting.  So anyways, diamonds were rare, the rich were buying them, the diamond people were happy, and the rich people were happy because the diamonds showed that they were rich.  The poor people weren’t really polled on this, but I don’t think they cared.

1871 newspaper clipping, cropped and photoshopped for your viewing pleasure. Click for full clipping.

Then something horrible happened.  In 1870, ginormous expansive diamond mines were discovered all along the Orange River in South Africa.  Suddenly diamonds weren’t so rare.  The supply far exceeded the demand, the diamond people couldn’t get the prices they were getting.  Desperate to save their fortunes all the diamond mine owners created a single diamond entity in 1888, you know them as De Beers.  De Beers became the sole “owner” of diamonds, they were able to control how many diamonds were available to the public, artificially controlling their “scarcity”.  Unfortunately for them, diamonds became like any other commodity.  People traded them, resold them, chopped them into smaller bits and sold them for a lesser price.  There was no sentimental attachment to them, and De Beers was losing control of diamond value.

The Marketing

I’m going to apologize here, because I am FASCINATED by marketing, and the rise of the diamond ring as THE engagement ring really is masterful.  So I’m going to be going on about it for awhile.  If you aren’t interested in the details, the gist of it is the diamond was strategically placed by an ad agency in all forms of media, to subconsciously be synonymous with love, success, and happiness.

In 1938, De Beers brought on an advertising genius, Gerold M Lauck, from N. W. Ayer.  For some reason, during the Great Depression, when people couldn’t afford things like, I dunno, food, they were very much less inclined to spend money on baubles like diamonds. The diamonds they were selling were of a small size and lower quality, in the $80 a piece region, and almost all of those diamonds were selling in America as engagement rings.

The research began, finding that the total amount of diamonds (carat wise) had dropped by 50%, the quality by almost 100%, and 90% of all the diamonds being bought were by young men as engagement presents for their fiances.  So N. W. Ayer used this research to come to a pretty reasonable conclusion.  Diamonds were being used as a symbol of love.  All they had to do was “educate” the public to the thought of the bigger and better the diamond, the more love there was.

I LOVE Marilyn Monroe, but she looks kind of manic and scary here. "If I don't sell all of these by the end of the movie, they'll kill my puppy!"

N. W. Ayer, being a very good advertising company, jumped on the hottest thing on the market, the motion picture industry, emphasizing the use of diamonds in film as a symbol of eternal love.  They made deals with newspapers, to do stories on celebrities and socialites, when diamonds were given to stress the size of the stone, and to include lots of photos of glittering hands of famous people.  Fashion designers were brought in, to gossip about how diamonds were the latest trend.  A trend that De Beers was doing it’s best to start.

Screen cap from a film of Queen Elizabeth II in Sierra Lionne. I assume she's examining diamond dust or something equally interesting. Click for extremely lo res video.

Even the royal family was brought into it, with the advertising company informing Great Britain “Since Great Britain has such an important interest in the diamond industry, the royal couple could be of tremendous assistance to this British industry by wearing diamonds rather than other jewels.”  Queen Elizabeth did her part by going on a well publicized trip to South African diamond mines, and publicly accepted a diamond gift from the president of De Beers.  N. W. Ayer then put full page ads in elite magazines, featuring famous paintings by artists like Pablo Picasso and Salvado Dali.  The intent being that diamonds weren’t merely stones, but works of art.

Vintage De Beers ads. Obviously created when people had much longer attention spans and lack of reading material.

In less than three years, this new form of immersive advertising had increased sales by 55%, in a product that had been experiencing only plummeting sales for decades.  They were the pioneers of advertising a product as a way of life, an emotional state of being, not a direct sale.

Then they got dirty.  In 1947, N. W. Ayer sent lecturers into high schools, all of whom would touch on the importance of a diamond engagement ring, their targets being hormonal love addled teenage girls 15 and over.  They redoubled their efforts in showcasing celebrities, “We spread the word of diamonds worn by stars of screen and stage, by wives and daughters of political leaders, by any woman who can make the grocer’s wife and the mechanic’s sweetheart say ‘I wish I had what she has.’”  It was around this time that they coined the phrase that has been branded on every woman’s cerebral cortex “A Diamond is forever.”  Internal memos discussed that the diamond is in fact NOT forever, and can be chipped, shattered,  discolored, or incinerated, but the powers that be figured the public was doing so well believing what they told them to, they would take whatever they said as gospel.

"Repeat after me: If you like it then you better put a ring on it."

Well, the public didn’t.  In 1951, N. W. Ayer noted “The millions of brides and brides-to-be are subjected to at least two important pressures that work against the diamond engagement ring. Among the more prosperous, there is the sophisticated urge to be different as a means of being smart…. the lower-income groups would like to show more for the money than they can find in the diamond they can afford…”  So the rich didn’t want diamonds because they weren’t special any more.  The not so rich avoided diamonds because they could get more for the money with some other stone.  Crap.

The advertising agency increased it’s efforts.  TV was a big deal, and soon a starlet who was making an appearance would be dripping with diamonds, all loaned by De Beers or one of their sub companies.  They created their own diamond authority, the “Diamond Information Center”, making sure that they were the ones that all the publishers came to for any and all information on diamonds.

They didn't add the .com to their logo til the mid 60s

With the economy on the upswing, the market focused it’s sight on men.  “The substantial diamond gift can be made a more widely sought symbol of personal and family success — an expression of socio-economic achievement,  Promote the diamond as one material object which can reflect, in a very personal way, a man’s … success in life.”  Their advertising shifted to give the appeal of a “good mens club”, complete with old leather, polished wood, and the aroma of tweed.  Having never smelled tweed, I can’t imagine where they started with that.  But they did, and they brought up an entire generation of young people who were completely convinced that diamond rings were essential to an engagement.  Convinced to the point that when surveyed, if couples couldn’t afford a diamond engagement ring, they would call off the engagement until they could.

Mission Accomplished.

How to Wear It

Most Americans wear an engagement ring on the ring finger of the middle hand, stemming from the Romans believing that the vena amoris (vein of love) ran from the third finger of the left hand directly to the heart.  While that was dis-proven once we learned anatomy, it’s still romantic.

I wasn't aware that the mullet was so popular with Roman women.

To the Christians, the ring was an important part of the ceremony.  Their ritual demanded that the wedding ring was to be worn on the third finger.  The priest would touch the ring to each finger, starting with the thumb, while saying “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit” ending with the third finger.  This symbolized that God was to come first, but after God your priority was your marriage.

The least romantic or religious reason is wear.  An engagement ring is something you want to keep nice.  Since most of the world’s population is right handed, the ring is put on the least used hand.  Your thumb, index, and middle finger are the most used, and the pinkie is too small to make fancy rings for, thus, the fourth finger became the ring finger.

Ring order is apparently a hotly debated topic.  I was not aware of this.  Someone commented on how I wore my wedding band on the outside, which isn’t the standard.  Now in my case it’s because my engagement ring is a little too big, and can’t be resized, so my band locks it in place.  I also kind of like that the rings are the way they were on my wedding day.  That’s just me, and I’m weird.  Here’s the official stuff.

Ooooo Ahhhh Vignette! Also, I have very blue hands.

The standard romantic answer is that because marriage is more of a commitment than engagement, it should be the closest to your heart.  Before the wedding ceremony, the engagement ring is supposed to go on the right hand, the wedding band goes on while everyone is watching, and you surreptitiously add the engagement ring when no one is looking.

The actual history behind this is the Italian “fede” (faith) ring, three totally separate bands that joined at the base to become one.  The outside bands were hands, and the inside one contained a heart (The forerunner to the solitaire).  When a couple was betrothed (Which was a big legally binding deal), the bride to be would get one hand, the groom another, and a third party (The witness to the wedding) would keep the heart, to give it over at the wedding ceremony to be put on the bride’s finger, followed by the other ring the groom was holding.  They would all lock together, the hands clasping each other, protecting the heart.

A traditional fede ring,

Use for Today

My strategy for life is take what you want and ignore what you don’t.  This falls into that category.  I love the engagement ring as a token of love, a symbol of what you hope for your relationship.  In all honesty, the Egyptian thing gave me goosebumps.  The ring doesn’t have to represent that nasty Roman ownership thing.  Make it whatever you want.

If you’re not into rings, there are plenty of alternatives, I know of engagement lighters, flasks, puppies, even an engagement spoon.  Do you NEED any of these these to prove how valid your relationship is?  Of course not.  But it’s nice.

As for what the engagement ring/token contains, again, whatever works for you.  Personally, if you like diamonds go for it.  (Again, NOT going to have a discussion about blood diamonds here.  There are plenty of ways to get non conflict diamonds.)  I have diamonds, an heirloom engagement ring, and a conflict free wedding band that has diamonds simply because my husband wanted the two to match.  (He’s much more of a traditionalist than I am.)  Stones of all sorts have been made into engagement rings, your standard precious or semi precious gems, pearls, agates, even moon rocks.  Many rings don’t have stones at all,  Mokume Gane, wood, wire, the options really are endless.  The constant is it has ties to the couple that are sharing this gift.

"You all ready to fight over my wife's underwear?"

So this is what I’m going to do.  I’m going to break down wedding traditions, where they came from, how they’ve evolved, what they meant when they started, and how people utilize them today.  It is NOT my place to tell you whether or not to do them, but it’s completely unfair to drop someone into a completely foreign land without a tour guide right?  “But you HAVE to go to the Louvre, it’s the LOUVRE!”  *Uneducated Answer* “OK, lets see what this Louvre thing is about.  I hope they have good food.”  *Educated Answer* “Thanks for the suggestion, but we’re really going to be focusing on our love of French cuisine this trip.”

"Beer napkins are HOW MUCH!?!?!

Another thing we’re going to talk about is vendors and budgets.  I’ve seen so many instances where couples have no idea what pricing is appropriate, so have no idea where to start with their budgeting, instead living off of Kn*t checklists and budgets, not being able to tailor it to themselves, because they have no idea where to start.  We’ll be looking at the basics of your wedding start up.  Venue (Place), Rentals (Tables/Chairs/Place Settings), Catering (Food & Drink), and Entertainment (DJ/juggling dogs/burlesque dancers/etc).  “But what about dresses, and invitations, and decor, and other assorted weddingy things?”  Honestly?  Those are just too subjective.  There’s too many options, too many variables, and I just don’t think I’ll be able to give any ground rules.  If you want something particular addressed, just let me know, but when dealing with pricing/vendors, unless someone shows me the glaring error of my ways, I’m gonna stick to those four.

Above photos are used by Creative Commons License. Please click on them to be taken to the photographer’s site.

We’re going to start off with the ah-mah-zing Katie Jane Goulah of Katie Jane Photography, whom I adore, I worked with her on Zan & Stephen’s wedding, and she threw a party for me when I was in NY because she’s just freaking awesome.  Oh yeah and talented.  So without further adieu…

Ang:  Tell me about yourself.

Katie Jane: *Laughing*

Okay, Pretend we’ve never talked ever… I have better questions I promise, I wanted to get one really corny one in there.

Do you want to know about my business or do you want to know about me?

Pretend that we had never met, so like if you had to introduce yourself, and give a summation of who you are and what you do to someone in an elevator, what would it be?

I am an editorial elopement photographer, and next year I’m hoping to branch out more into commercial photography.  I am also working on a couple of art projects and I’m hoping to have a gallery show sometime next fall, is what I’m aiming for.

OoooOooooo.  Where do you live?

New York, on the Upper West Side

In the most beautiful apartments ever…

*Laughing*

So how did you get into photography in general, and wedding photography specifically?

I have always been interested in photography, my dad was really into photography when I was growing up and we always had cameras around.  When I was about 13 or 14, for Christmas he gave me sort of my first REAL, like SLR camera.  And from there I took classes in HS and college, I wanted to go to art school, that was not… I don’t… that just didn’t work out.  But I kept it up, and when I moved to NY, this is sort of the mecca for photography, I started getting into it a little more seriously.

My husband, who was then my boyfriend, was like “You know, you could do this as a job.”, it had never really occurred to me. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that this could be my actual career, I guess because it had always been this hobby.  I started marketing myself, I worked with a lot of models to get stuff in my portfolio.  I did not want to be a wedding photographer, I thought I just wanted to be a portrait photographer.  I started doing a lot of family portraits, I was working at a pre-school at the time so I had a built in client base, I kind of got lucky.

Then a friend of mine asked me to assist her on a wedding, her second shooter had fallen through, and I went and kind of fell in love with it.  I was really surprised, I didn’t think I would like it.  I just ended up loving it.

You recently made a jump to focus on elopement photography, what draws you to elopements?

Somebody contacted me to do an elopement, I’d never really thought about elopements, I was like “This is amazing, this is such a cool idea”.  So I went and shot my first City Hall elopement in August 2010, and kind of realized there’s this huge untapped market, people come from all over the world to NYC to elope.  It’s just a market that I don’t think a lot of people were realizing was out there.  It was very untapped.  So I started getting into that, I felt like I could be a little more creative, that I could develop a little more editorial style, since I had more time for portraits.  You know, elopement clients have really short ceremonies, and they want to have two full hours for portraits, and I just don’t get that from a traditional wedding day.  It’s fun for me because I still get to work with these awesome couples who are getting married and do these weddings, but I get two hours to play with that, to go all over the city and do these shots that don’t normally get to do on a typical wedding day.

What do you love about photography in general, as your art form?

That’s a good question, I’m a very visual person, I’ve always been a very visual person.  When I was in school, even before I really got into photography, art class was always my favorite, I like to draw, and even being very very young and coloring and stuff like that, I’ve always been very visual.  I don’t know, I like the idea of being able to imagine something in my head and then recreate it.  The art project I’m working on, which you were a part of, I just imagined this image I wanted to create, I wanted to bend light and create rainbows. I experimented until I was able to do it.  I guess I just like being able to recreate what I imagine in my head.

You were talking about bending light, I’m assuming that light is a big inspiration for you?

Yeah, I am NOT a good… I liked to draw as a kid, I’m not good at drawing, so I’m not a good painter, I’m not good at any of those things.  I wish I was.  I am so jealous of people who are good at that.  I always say I get to paint with light, and that’s sort of what I do, I get to play with light.  Photography is all about light.  I don’t really like to work in a studio – I think that can be really cool, and people can be really awesome at it – but I like to go out and see what I can create from natural light, what other things I can do.  You know like lens flare and rainbows and…

ARTISTIC lens flare, not crappy Photoshop lens flare. 

No, I have never Photoshopped lens flare into a photo in my life ever.  I just want to go on record saying that.  Never have, never will!

So other than light, what inspires you, in your photography, in your just every day creativity?

That’s another good question…

I’m TRYING to get good questions!  Like, you’re going to do a shoot right?  Is it about the couple, the environment, what about that moment makes you go “Oooooo, this would be a really good idea!”

I guess when I’m shooting, I pre-visualize, like before a wedding I’m going to shoot, if I know where I’m going to be, obviously I look out the window and see what the light is like, I do pre-visualize what I want.  But until I’m actually out there shooting, it’s just sort of happenstance, it’s just serendipitous.  I’m just out there shooting and I’m looking for certain things.  I’m looking for directional light, I’m looking for how I can bend the light, what I can create.  You don’t know it until you stumble on it.  Until I’m out there shooting, I don’t know until that actual moment with the light and the people, and it all lines up all magical, and then I freak out.  There’s not one specific thing I look for, it’s just … I don’t think I’m answering this very well.  It all makes sense in my head.

Earlier you said you’re an editorial elopement photographer,  a lot of people hear things like “photo journalistic” or “editorial” and they don’t know what it means.  They think “Hey I want candids, so I need an editorial photographer!” or whatever.  Can you explain a little more about editorial photography and maybe a little more about what your style is and how it applies to editorial?

Of course.  I used to be a documentary photographer as in, that’s all I did.  That’s all I wanted to do, candids, sort of capture a day in a very candid way, and truly be a documentary photographer, in that I wasn’t posing anybody.  Then I was inspired by… well I’m very inspired by people like Annie Leibovitz, and the photography in Vanity Fair, I’m really inspired by fashion photography.

Which if anyone ever met you, they could tell in like 5 seconds.

Really?

Yeah

That’s funny.  I’ve never heard that, that’s really funny.  (Side note, this is like, the only time Katie wasn’t laughing in the interview, so I don’t think she really thought it was funny…)

So my style just sort of evolved.  What I would consider editorial is what you’d see in the pages of Vanity Fair.  I like really dramatic.  You don’t look super posed, but I’m not going to lie, I pose my clients, and it’s really funny to me, because I get these emails from people.  All my inquiries say “I love your natural style.  My partner and I don’t want to be posed, we love that you don’t pose.” And the funny thing is I do, I guess I’m just able to do it in a way that doesn’t look like posing.  I guess I just give direction, people respond to that better than me saying “I’m going to pose you” so I just say “Oh I’m going to give direction.”  So my style has evolved from being purely documentary, being just looking for those candid moments to, “I’m going to give you direction and we’re going to create a very dramatic portrait.”

It’s something that the subject creates themselves, as opposed to you physically standing over them and holding them and moving them in position like a mannequin. 

Right, I don’t move them into position like a mannequin, but I’m not going to sit here and act like I don’t pose my clients, and I don’t give them direction because I 100% do.  You have to.  Because people are nervous, they don’t know what to do, so I have an image in my head, and it’s different for every couple.  One couple might be able to get these incredibly high fashion looking portraits because that’s their personality, because they are dramatic, but that’s not going to work for a couple that’s maybe a little quieter, you really have to feel out who you’re working with.  A couple that does have a flair for the dramatic I can pose a little more, I’m never physically moving their body parts, that’s not what I mean at all.

It’s like you said with Vanity Fair, the photographer doesn’t say “I’m going to move you exactly how I want you”, they give direction on what they want the model to do and then the model does it, and because it’s not forced it’s more natural, and that’s why your photos come off as more natural.

Right, and that’s perfect. And I always tell my clients when we’re in the process of creating portraits, when I give you that direction, don’t feel like you have to… if that doesn’t feel natural to you, if it doesn’t feel right, move!  I’m going to give you direction, but it’s a suggestion, is what I like to say.  You don’t have to stay that way.

Good segue into the next question, what can people expect if you’re going to be shooting their wedding?

Their reception is still going to be shot in a very documentary fashion, that’s how I’m going to shoot your reception.  I’m going to be partly fly on the wall, partly in the middle of everything, but I’m not the type of photographer who’s going to go around and do table shots.  A lot of people still do that and that’s totally fine, but I don’t do that.  I’m very straightforward with my clients about that, if you’re looking for a table shot photographer, I’m not your photographer.  Reception is straight up documentary style, for your portraits I try to have as much time as I can with my clients.  I try to make that clear from the beginning, if we’re shooting a big wedding, I want at least an hour to do portraits.  I can’t always get that, and I understand, but I’m going to try and get as much time as I can.  I feel like people hire me because they like my portraits, so we’re going to have hopefully at least an hour where we’re out creating something gorgeous together.

What is a quick way to strike up a conversation or break the ice with you?

I love history, I’m kind of a history nerd, so I love it when I meet other history nerds, so that’s always really cool.  I like to read, I’m a big reader, right now if anyone comes up and talks to me about the Hunger Games I will be all over them, because I’m super excited about that.  Books, History, those are my things.

Any particular kinds of books?

It varies, my favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird, my cat’s name is Boo Radley.  But I’ll read pretty much anything, I read a lot of non-fiction, I read a lot of fiction, I just like to read, I’m a reader.  And I like to know what other people are reading.

Secretly what would be your dream wedding to photograph?

I really want to shoot in Europe, I really want to have a European destination wedding.  So something in Italy or Greece, something with a lot of culture and color.  I have this image of something on one of the Greek isles, or something like that, where there’s all that blue sky and white walls, and so much to play around with.  And small.  A small sort of detailed destination wedding, very intimate…

In the Mediterranean? 

Yeah!  Exactly.

What is your least favorite part of being a photographer/running a photography business?

Everything aside from photography?  The bookkeeping is horrible.  I really hate it.  Like writing contracts, answering my emails…  I know that’s not really an appropriate thing to say, but yeah, just the day to day paperwork.

The non creative aspect?

Yeah.

Editing is huge in wedding photography, lets talk about your processing.

It is in the middle of changing.  I feel like I’m in a really transitional period right now.  I used to do very very little editing.  I still am really big about getting it right in camera, obviously I shoot manual for everything and I’m a stickler for just getting it right when you take the photo.  After I shoot a wedding and I’m loading it onto my computer, probably 85% of the photos, I’ve been able to get the exposure, get it right in camera.  That’s great, because it takes out a step, if you get it right in camera, there’s always a little  color correction but you don’t have huge exposure problems to fix.

You don’t have to save them.

Right.  I don’t want to have to try and save a photo.  That’s not how I work, that makes me anxious.  Before my style started to change a bit, I would do some minimal color corrections, sharpen them and call it a day, and I was really happy with that.  Now I really am playing with color a little more.  I’m not making any drastic changes, but I’m bringing out the colors a little bit more.  I like a little bit of grain in my photos now, so I’ll add a bit of grain here and there.  I’m sort of bringing out the natural colors in the photograph.  They aren’t drastic changes, there’s a phase people are going through where people are making all their photos yellow, do you know what I mean?

The pee filter!

That’s not what I do.  I’m not going to change a photograph that drastically, I kind of hate that.  I guess I’m just trying at add a little more drama, I have an extra step with my post production now.  It’s added two weeks on my turn around time, I used to turn around my weddings in 3-4 weeks, and now I’m running about 6 weeks, because I have this extra step of making them a little more dramatic.

I saw you took a photo seminar recently, why don’t you tell me about that?

Yes, it was awesome.  I went to PhotoPlus Expo here in New York, I’ve gone to a lot of wedding photography seminars and workshops and that sort of thing, but I went to PhotoPlus this year for the more commercial side of photography.  I’m super interested in doing some commercial work next year.  I don’t ever want to give up my wedding business, but I’m just really interested in exploring the commercial side of photography.  So that’s what I went to PhotoPlus to learn about.  I have no clue how to break into it, and I came away feeling pretty confident.  It’s definitely going to be an uphill road, to break into that business, but I feel like I have some building blocks now, to figure out where I want to go.

You have been trying to grow your art photography aspect, especially with your new blog, North of 59^th Street, where you’ve been showcasing some of that.  Tell me more about your art photography.

I have a couple of projects in the works, the big project I’m working on right now is the one you were a part of, I’m calling it the “Thea Series” right now.  I don’t know if that’s going to stick, but I’m using a Lens Baby it’s a poor man’s tilt shift lens basically.  I’m just using it to create shapes and rainbows and bending the light in types of ways that you can’t do with a traditional lens.  I took photographs of a bunch of different women, who are all different, who look different in every way, and I wanted to make them all sort of radiant, is the only way to put it.  I wanted to use the light to make each of these women beautiful in a different sort of way, and I think I really have been able to accomplish it.  This is the series I’m hoping to have shown next fall, I want to have a gallery show and that will be the focus.

Yay!  You have to tell me if that happens, so I can be all *snotty accent* “Oh this is my friend Katie Jane, and she’s the photographahhhh and this is her gahhhhllery showing.”

And you would be in it Ang!

Well I don’t know if you want to use any of mine at all, and if you remember, our shoot accidentally got kind of X rated towards the end there.  Unintentionally.

It was, but I won’t show that part.

What has been your favorite wedding moment so far?

Oh that’s hard.  I’m lucky, I have really good clients, and their weddings are all really different.  I definitely have a few favorite moments, one of them was  definitely walking through a field of cow pies with Zan and Stephen so we could take wedding photos with their cows.  It was just funny, like “This is my life.  This is my job.  Right now I’m walking through a field of cow poop.”

What I love about that is when you look at the pictures with the cows, it looks so idyllic and happy and peaceful, and if you haven’t walked through their farm, you have NO idea how much cow poop there is. 

Right, like no one knows the ordeal we went through to get those photos.  It’s just really funny, we needed like a machete because the grass was so high. It was something I never thought I would do as a photographer. Probably another favorite moment was one of my clients recently had a giant fire pit in the middle of their reception and it was just crazy.  The light was crazy and everyone started roasting smores and the pictures are just awesome, this girl in her wedding dress just roasting smores is just really cool.

Have you had any uncomfortable/awkward wedding moments?

I definitely had some wedding party people who weren’t super stoked to have their photos taken, and who made my life somewhat difficult.  Any time you have someone who just doesn’t want to cooperate… I try to have fun with my clients, I’m really laid back,  especially when I’m posing the groom and his dudes, I try to have fun and joke with them.  I know they don’t want to be standing there, so I try to make it fun and sometimes you have someone who doesn’t want to work with you, and it sucks, but what are you going to do?

The worst moment was actually when I got stung by a bee.  I was shooting and it was the middle of the ceremony, I feel this pain in my leg, and I look down and roll my pant leg up and a bee falls out.  I pull out the stinger, my leg starts swelling up like crazy, but what was I going to do?  It was the middle of the ceremony so I kept on shooting, kept on working.  It was fine, it sucked, the wedding planner brought me a Benadryl so that was nice.  But I kept on shooting and I’m really proud of it.

If you weren’t doing photography, what would you be doing?

Sometimes I think I would like to be an art teacher which is such an endangered job, with the arts being so endangered in general I don’t know how realistic that is, but I always thought I’d like to be an elementary school art teacher or something like that.  My art teachers always had a big influence on me, and I became a photographer because of one of my art teachers, so that’s always sort of been my fantasy, if I gave up photography I’d become an art teacher.

I saw you’re participating in NaNoWriMo, can you tell me what your working on, or is it a secret?

It’s not a secret, it’s kind of stupid… It’s totally corny, it’s an adventure story, a historical adventure story spanning decades, starting in the early 1900s of this girl who stows away on a ship and comes to America, and it’s going to go through the 20s and 30s, and the adventures she has on her own.  It’s super cheesy I think, but I’m really enjoying writing it.

That’s the end of my questions, I didn’t want to be all “Lets talk for two hours!”, but is there anything else you wanted to say?

*Katie Jane hangs up*

Guess not.

I wanted to thank Katie Jane for being marvelous and volunteering to be my interview guinea pig.  (She did call back by the way)  Much love!

All photos were taken by the fabulous Katie Jane, are protected under copyright license and used by permission. They are not available for reproduction or redistribution. As always, if you do any of these I will find you, hunt you down, and stand menacingly outside your door with a baseball bat. Just FYI.

So it was a……..

DOCUMENTARY!

This is only the teaser, and I am in it twice.  Once arranging champagne glasses towards the beginning, and at the end in the kitchen scene where everyone is laughing, you can see the back of my head.  I can’t wait til the full video is available.

Check out the post on A Practical Wedding for the full write up.  And please, forward it to anyone and everyone.  Because it’s pretty freaking cool, all about equality, and as Genevieve says “Love is Love”, and more people need to realize that.

I have never been to New York City before, but August was the month of New York apparently. I had a wedding on the 13th in White Plains, but spent a day or two in Brooklyn with my client turned new semi-BFF Zan. (Only semi, because I don’t know if she reciprocates or not) We went shopping with the amazing Katie Jane, I went back to Zan’s apartment to nap.  Zan came home, yelled at me for not eating (This is a recurring theme by the way) so I went out and got a NY bagel at like 1AM.  It was very bagel-y.

Zan and I woke up early (Like 4:30AM early) on Friday to take the train to the parts less citified. I to go to a wedding in White Plains (Shall leave you in suspense on that one for now), and she to go to the farm to help Stephen herd cattle.  I spent a LOT of time on Trains this trip.  Between the Train from Newark (Where I was straddling the gap between cars because it was too full.) and the subways back and forth in the city, and the train to White Plains, AND all the return trips, I got to be a pro.

White Plains wedding is beautiful, we leave the space around midnight, I go to the hotel, crash for a few hours, back up to go to drop off my car, take the train back to the city, and go to a party with the adorable APW book club at the Gingerman.  Which was AWESOME.  Then a quick 2 hour nap on the couch, and off to take the train to catch my flight.  Matt was so excited to see me again, and obviously the feeling was mutual.

Then Sunday, off to another wedding, and up on Monday to go to NYC for APW’s YayNY!  My legs are very angry with me for doing so much walking, but such is life.  Zan met me halfway from the subway around 11:30ish at night, then there was sleeping til I had to go meet Elizabeth from Lowehouse Creative at Starbucks across from Shake Shack.  We went across the street and hovered over a table til the woman sitting there felt very uncomfortable and left.  VICTORY!  Kari from The Handmade Event, and Meg from APW (Dur) showed up, and we talked about party stuffs and ate delicious delicious burgers.  *Drool*  Also the fries were very good but the shakes were a tad too malty for my tastes.

All of us having our assignments I went out to find champagne flutes, so off to Bowery St, which is in China Town.  Lesson #1:  Everyone takes cash, most business owners are disgusted if you offer them a Credit Card, so find an ATM and make good use out of it.  Lesson #2:  If there is, perchance, an earthquake while you are in a restaurant supply store in China Town, and a soy dish falls on your head, you will be christened as bad luck and the owner will refuse to sell anything to you.  Asking “You aren’t worried I’m not going to sue you?” only further convinces them of your bad luck.

After I got the champagne flutes back to the space, via a stereotyped cab ride, I helped Elizabeth load some supplies into the space, the went back to Zan’s where we worked on her new gorgeous Hernodale Weddings site til 1:30AMish. TOTALLY worth it by the way.

Wednesday morning I met Maddie from Hart and Sol  for cake prep, and started moving furniture around the venue space.  I did that until around 3:00 or so, where I had to go take a shower so I could go back to Katie Jane’s apartment and take some pictures for her fine art project, that’s all about bending light and photographing women on her roof.  I didn’t have time to flat iron my hair, so I borrowed some of Zan’s Deva Curl gel and went au naturel.  I also forgot to put mascara on.  (What can I say?  I was late?)  When I got to Katie Jane’s I met Amber (j’adore), and we went up to the roof.  Amber did her pics and they were gorgeous, then it was my turn.  Ummm it was windy, and I will let my edited illustration paint the picture for you.

So yes, that was fun…  Meg had her pics done, the AWESOME Lauren from Suburbalicious came by in a $15 Marshall’s dress that stunned everyone and made me feel like a bloated lump.  You know, because gorgeous blonde amazon goddess in flowing maxi dress vs stumpy little brunette who’d flashed half the population of Manhattan not 10 minutes ago.

After photos it was off to the Upper West Side, where nothing exciting really happened, but we ate FANTASTIC fried chicken at the Pink Tea Cup, I had mint chocolate chip gelatto in a sugar cone and am pretty sure I witnessed someone getting impregnated outside the gelatto shop.  Lauren came home with Zan and I since the hotel room we were supposed to share was ridiculously tiny.

Thursday, the day of YayNY.  Lauren and I left Zan’s with Lauren looking adorably urban chic, and I wore my PJs.  We stopped at an art store, then took the subway to 320 studios, to set up for the party.  There was much craziness that happened there (I met Mark from LeahandMark, didn’t realize he was THAT Mark and kind of blew him off, because I’m an ass.  Fortunately he’s a sweetheart and forgave me.)  My feet were swollen from so much walking (DAMN YOU NEW YORK) so my shoes weren’t cooperating and I only put them on in front of important people.  I also got a giant oil spot from the marinated Mozzerella balls on my new pink dress which Shout wipes only made worse.  (I was told it looked like a giant nipple so that’s great.  Also looking forward to getting tons of traffic for people who are searching for “giant nipple” and end up here.  HAHA!  Suckers.) There are many pictures where my hands are in a weird place or my dress is all stretched out like a tent (Like you can see here.  Also my face is scrunched with 8 chins because I’m trying not to cry), because I’m attempting to cover said stain.

Also, a quick shout out to Callie and San, who are some of the most beautiful sincere talented people I’ve ever met, both inside and out, not to mention, hilariously funny, and San has the best accent ever.  All my Boston based clients, if you don’t have a photographer, I referring you to them.  Because seriously, whoa.  And +Raven who’s deadpan humor was much appreciated, as was her view that people need to know when others appreciate how beautiful they are, and it doesn’t have to be weird.

I was able to witness both the weddings and while Cory and Aaron’s wedding was adorable and sweet and wonderful, I didn’t cry.  I was over the moon happy for them, but I didn’t cry.  Keep in mind that I didn’t cry at my own wedding, and only one of my clients’ weddings, so that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t emotionally invested.

The girls though…. Oh God.  For some reason, it hit me HARD.  When Anne brushed some smudge off of Leanne’s face I lost it.  There was much blinking.  And tears streaking everywhere.  But to be honest I didn’t really grasp the epicness of what was going on.  See, I have this problem, where, when I’m busy, I just focus on tasks.  That’s a great thing, but in this instance I was so busy prepping for the party and the weddings and all that stuff I didn’t really think about WHY we were doing it.  I live in a state that has had same sex marriage legalized for quite a bit, and we have laws against discrimination.  That being said, we don’t really have a very ummm, vocal gay population.  One of the few gay friends I had here ended up moving because he was beaten and being threatened by some locals.

It wasn’t til the party was almost over, when it was the staff members, some of the vendors, the DJ Whitney Day, and two guys, who had been rather quiet all night, but were quietly slow dancing together, and we all joined arms and danced around them to close the night, that it smacked me in the face, what a big freaking deal this was.

But it was all tangled up string in my brain until Emily and I sat down to do our interview for this secret thing that I shouldn’t talk about probably.  Suffice to say that the party itself was a HUGE hit.  Professional party goers were on the phone telling other people to show up.  I was dancing and I don’t dance.  Also, Mexican Coke is fantastic.  Anyways, party is over, I’m in my PJs again, she’s in her adorable ruffled mini dress, we were giggling hysterically and lounging on this white leather chaise that wasn’t good enough for Victoria Beckham, frustrating the hell out of the poor interviewer, and every few minutes we’d scream “SHUT UP! THIS IS FOR A *Secret thing*” Emily was doing creepy satanic doll/child school photography pictures, and was simultaneously hysterical/terrifying.

So we introduced ourselves, I forgot my business name and what I did (Doh, go me!)  But then we were talking about that night, and I was somehow able to vocalize all my brain vomit coherently.  About how it was heartbreaking to see these couples dancing, freely, unashamed of their love and who they are, and not have to worry about hiding it.  That all they want to do is love each other, a fundamental right that everyone should be given.  That the glory of their unadulterated love being able to shine freely was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever had the privilege to witness.